Monday blues and Tuesday greens

Does it happen to you that when u have a really really really long day with lots happening ...end of the day u cant really remember when it began and what all did u do??(was it yesterdya or today???) well mondays for me is like that...after the most boring lectures(which can put u into a coma)...leaves me in a vegetative state then is the work in the dark lab for me on mondays.....

first lecture is about this thing called computerized experiments where the ever lazy lecturer goes on and on about........circuits blah blah this gate that gate...only gate i look is the door to the room thru which i can escape...

it is followed by another deadening lecture called remote sensing which in the begining i thought was about satellites..it is about satellites but by the time we reach the interesting parts....my soul will be only thing left to study it....my earthly bosy would have withered in boredom...

6-8 is this really really interesting lecture on modelling via differential equations..okkk enuff sarcasm...the way the lecturer teaches is probably the most most boring way in the world and i dont blame hi cos its 6 pm common...well he will be a good medium to exorcise evil spirits cos i dont think the most malginant of dead souls wont like to listen to how a solution to ode determines stability and equilibrium...

then then then was working in the dark dark lab all alone...i wrote dark twice cos its really dark and a mobile phone glowing looks like a nuclear explosion compared to it....then printing notes about quantum entanglement etc etc......

tuesday started as a bright sunny day...so sunny that it burnt my skin making it look like roasted pork i guess hheheh...then blah blah blah boring evenless day till now.....

guess catch u later...

Insecurity and Paranoia Support Group

I wish there was a support group for insecure and paranoid people like me...i admit its a disease....there are support group for alcoholics, drug addicts, suicide survivors and sexually abused....wat makes us insecure and paranoid poeple different that we dont deserve a support group or a sponsor who would remind us "dont be insecure"...

Insecurity is a diesease which not only affects me but all the people around me...maybe its jus looking at any shiny surface to see if ur hair which u dont really like is okkk or feeling paranoid that ur gf has finally seen u thru and will leave u keeps us in constant fear........btu wat really causes us to be insecure...is it the absence of success or the asdultation of people which usually fills everyone pride to the brim and makes them secure...

I have been insecure since birth...then overdemanding parents and a discouraging education system hardly did anything for a releif ...when i was a kid and i was taken out wearing those black shorts and those really aante diluvian leathers "chotis" i felt ok walking around the gairahat reagion taking a rickshaw home back from ooposite camparis.....but first time i felt a pang of insecurity was when my parents took me to scoop on a nice saturday afternoon wearing those clothes in a midst of quite a smartly dressed early 90s crowd....

True as a kid....i was given tintins to read and watch as much cartoons as i want but unlike the fancy kids in my class , i had not heard of scorpions or pink floyd ...i didnt read noddy when i was kid and no one really told me to read wodehouse or maugham later....when it is later when people say "oh u have not rtead this that..heard this that/..." i even wonder how one chap from my class actually knew the name of the movie "maltese falcon" in class 9 when all we knew was rambo and terminator and maybe some where eagles dare......maybe all these contributed to my insecuritys when the fancy chaps in class spewed out anmes i never heard offf.....

Something More to say

7th Feb 2007...
a week before valentines day i guess.....another tormenting day of people asking me "wat are u doin in the evening" and my completion of 22 years of unbeatean valentines day tragedy.
yah yah i know the people there who call it a hallmark holiday etc etc but hehe deep down inside unless ur really fucked up u would want to do something dont u??

I may have wat people call an average mellow life....i get up , im skipping the coffee cos its killing my appetite and making me loose weight and look more and more invisible as days go on by...i usuallly do some reading go to college , come back and do some more reading and go to sleep/....

true i dont live the nri dream of hanging out chilling out in clubs ...fornicatin and driving ferraris but but i hope to aspire to drive a benz someday (hopefully before 30 cos after that its not really worth it)

I have been thru a lot in life.....bad shitty situations hehe which no one else can imagine ..really sticky sticky situation..

Imagine that u buy a ticket for urself and the girl u like(not love) for a concert a mnth before the concert cos the tickets sell out real fast....now u anticipate for a mnth how great the concert is gonna be specially with the special girl at ur side ...dont u?? then then then....it happens within this very mnth this girl gets disinterested in u and gets a new bf and guess wat she asks u......to give up the ticket for her bf....(she is gonna pay even a lil extra for it).....yah as if that helps ...and there u are on that day with her telling u the thank u s ..she enjoyin the concert with her now bf and u are at home finding innovative ways to kil urself which dont hurt

very many of the situations which has got fucked up...
welll the thing is my life has been mostly normal except when it comes to girls where my luck is like horrible,,,,,and most of my incidents related to this are really really terrible....

rememebr the time ur just a kid...ur like in class 11 have no idea how cruel women can be .... so there is this girl u fancy in ur tuitions(people form india only know this)...she is nice and although u dont think u have a chance with her u give it a shot...well shot in class 11 meant talking nicely with her,.,,,,well ur happy she is smiling back to ur stupid jokes,......and u think there might be something ...a movie when u leave school ro soemthing......

then then then u go to this shopping arcade to buy something...i donno wat and then u see her hand in hand with one of the filthiest guys u know a guy even a skunk wont kiss him......now ur there heart broken convinced u are goin to die alone and thinking "how the hell"
jus many of the experiences...

deep inside we realize we are so pathetic no one would go out iwht us let alone love us.....wat is it thats missing withing us...is it our school with its non coed environment which didnt let us mix with girls and now all the good girls are taken...or wat is it....u keep wondering and getting shot one after the other.....(which aint so commendable being desperate cos when u really have a gf she will despise u for being so pathetic)....

Ending of winter and start of Spring in the Equator

Few daya go it was 2006 then bohhooo with the big stupid parties with drunk people rolling arnd we entered 2007. Personally I didnt go to any of these but was watching revenge of the sith on star movies.
So this is my life..it had a crappy introduction, it will have a crappy middle and hopefully a crappy ending. My parents say its cos i dont work too hard.... well how can i cheer up the situation..by enjoying the misery i am thru.
Yesterday was a "clockwork orange" day when i landed both the book adn the movie at the same time. After a feeble effort to read the book in the bus...with the language of "malchikas and viddies and rot and etc etc" I gave up.....so when i was home and had time to relax I went thru the movie...the movie with its weird background of those horror clown movies and its very very depressing and disturbing surroundings disturbed me so much that i had to watch "notting hill" to counteract the effect...
well actually notting hill and a stupid charlie sheen sitcome called "2 and half men " about some playboy blah blah blah....
wasnt feeling like waking up this morning...donno something deep inside is so depressing it saps away teh strength to start a new day.....but maybe it is all the unfinished studies and the things to complete and the blah blah things to hand in...
last few days or mnths were ok rocky rollercoasterlike with a lil bit of happiness thrown in sometimes....wat differes now is that i have become a recluse whose interaction with people have come down to zero and is even scaring the shit out of my parents.....so there i am stuck to my laptop books movies and ayers sometimes....
is it because i reduces the joggin which would pump endorphins in my head and make me feel happy.....i really understood that after growing up being happy is a really really difficult thing to acheive.......u can be succeful ...have a great time ..but when are u really happy...
my words have no direction...everything im thinking is just pouring out thru this noisy keyboard thru which im typing....atleast realized that the world has changed ..the city i was born in has changed and the people whom i knew have changed...those who need the money dont have it...those who dont have plaenty of it...
this maybe called hypocrisy cos yes i do have a 37 inch lcd tv...an apartment at the 25th storey of a really posh condo in singapore but these hardly matter to me...im full of greif cos i have grown up (not cos i havent got any taller after class 10)but its the loss of childhood and mostly "growing uop"